The Logs chap 17-22 below

The Logs chap 17-22

It’s May 22nd, 2014 and I am in none other than Starbucks writing to you all out there! But I am not in Starbucks off of Biscayne Blvd or Lincoln road in Miami… But yet in a Starbucks in California!! It has been 2 years since I have written not because I didn’t want too, but I just had to slow down a little since I was trying to do so many things as one person from trying to learn more about music, too trying to get a short film together to even try and  get a clothing line started. Only one thing I learned is you can’t become better at something or actually knock down doors until you focus on one aspect and hone your skills and management. So with that being said I stopped and concentrated on my music career. Talking of music just the thought or even the pronunciation of the word brings such joy and emotion and memories. I don’t cognize where to even start telling you what I have conquered and been through in pursuit of my goals and dreams so I’m just going to pick a thought and just work with it. I know where I left off was gearing up to travel to New York for a show at Webster Hall where I was moving to do so let’s rewind back to 2012. So my best friend Erix and I went there and just being in the Bronx was awesome because there was so much culture and bravado there you could scarcely feel it in the breeze. Fast forward to the day of the show my boy Erix is calling people in the cool NY swag I can hear him “ Yoyoyea yea tell everybody on the block to come if they want I just gotta check and see if we got enough tickets though” meanwhile his cousin is trying to avoid having his girl go so he’s on his phone like “I dunno if we goan have enough tickets though so yea you might have to just chill and we pick you up after” and just seeing this going on was so cool I felt like I was in the movie “paid in full” because of how they were on their phones and it was so much New York swag going on lol good times. So we are on the way to Webster Hall so I can perform so were all getting hyped meanwhile this will be my first time performing ever!!! I am deathly nervous because for one I don’t have any of my own music like original music and two my first time performing is in New York in front of a packed crowd!! So we pull up and it’s a huge mob trying to get in and tons of acts and everyone has snapbacks on Jordan’s and Lebron’s and Ewing sneakers as well. Some with chains on and everyone is a super hip hop and I’m walking up with leopard print Christian louboutin loafers and an all black suit with a low cut black fitted tee under the blazer. So we all get together all the people Erix invited and were inside and the show has 50 cent’s host from “thisis50.com”as the host. And he comes up and speaks and gets everyone excited and the show starts and with every inkling of a second I am getting more and more terrified because I am seeing everyone performing their music and while some are not so good there are some who are and you can hear how seasoned they are as rappers not so much as artists because I personally don’t quite see all rappers as artists. But nonetheless they are seasoned as performers and they know exactly who they are. While I hadn’t been doing this that long yet to quite know myself fully. So within no time the host calls me up and my heart drops and everyone are looking like who is this with the name Cody Tyler?! They didn’t ask it, but as I’m making my way to the stage I can see the expressions on their faces, especially the black people, as I glance back as I walk up the steps I see three black dudes faces and I remember it like it was yesterday they looked with faces like “yeah right” or please he doesn’t rap. But before I could even begin to gather myself the DJ says “wait, wait we gotta problem, the CD doesn’t play and I don’t have an email with the track so I can’t get it from my Mac book” So he has all this expensive equipment but yet he can’t get it to work. So the host says “Cody will be back, but right now he has technical difficulties”. So others perform and I am just so distraught and nervous, but then I hear the DJ “Cody comes back we ready for you!” So I go back and my boy Erix gives me “dap” and says “you got this Nigga go kill it”. I go up and I look at the huge crowd which was my first mistake and I got so much fear over my body I was frozen!!! I hear one person in the crowd yell out “whachugoan spit bout?!” in a sarcastic voice and then another yells “I see them louboutons!” So the beat starts and I started rapping, but closed my eyes so I didn’t have to look at anyone and as I go through the 1^stverse I slur words a little, but as I get through I started feeling it and then on the second verse I spit very hard and one area of the crowd was yelling and clapping as well as cheering. But yet I never opened my eyes or moved at ALL!!!! I knew I bombed and did not do a good job for one I didn’t have my own music and two I closed my eyes and showed that I was scared. As I walk down I’m discouraged and just the feeling of knowing I didn’t do well killed me and I was still shaking as I was watching the other performances. But one person dressed in all “Chicago bulls” gear and Jordan’s with a thick gold rope walks up and says “yo you got good lyrics bra don’t stay down” and that made me feel a little bit better. Just the fact that he came and said that on his own accord, let me know that you could see I was sad though which is not good. As we leave Erix and his brother are both giving me talks, telling me not to quit and telling me about “J. cole” and how his first live performance, he stuttered and wasn’t good either and Erix proceeds to tell me “ Nigga you just performed and bombed in NY in front of a packed crowd so you can’t do no worse your going to get better!”

 

            Fast forward,

            Some months and I’ve been at juicy couture and my hours are cut short due to low volume in the store and I am not getting any responses from producers wanting to work with me after seeing me in the “all of the lights” cover I sent them. The only response I’m getting is “go to a Soundclick”. So the days and days are dragging by I don’t have a lot of money and am barely able to pay rent and I’m blessed in the fact that my best friend Erix is my roommate. With each day that goes by I get more discouraged as I don’t have money for gas and even food and I’m thinking to myself “I can’t make it how crazy am I to think I can be a musician after what has happened?!” As every night approaches I watch either one of my favorite movies or shows “Bless the child” which is about a little kid whom of which is autistic but has abilities of telekinesis and is chosen to help the world by leading them to God but she goes through a lot because the Devil doesn’t want her to succeed. I would watch that or my favorite tv show called “Angel” which is a spinoff of the old TV series “Buffy the vampire slayer” it consists of an evil vampire turned good by receiving a soul from gypsies. So by receiving a soul he feels remorse for the weak and he wants to redeem himself by doing good for the world but battles demons and evil in the process. Every night for months I watched these and they gave me solace because for some reason I felt such a connection with the stories and the main characters. What I’m about to tell you is not for the weak and I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, but just believe in your own dreams and desires. I will never forget this night because I had not eaten and I didn’t want to ask my parents for any more help because for one I hated it and two I felt like this is my life and dream and I have to decide if I’m going continue on it or quit. So this particular night I had not eaten and I’m in my room with all the lights off and I’m talking to God asking him why do I have to go through these things and I’m not trying to hurt anyone nor do I want to succeed for selfish ambitions but to just help others. I’m in tears telling him I have already been through what I consider hell being in a mental hospital, going through being made fun of in high school to having to move back from California in 2010. And I’m just crying and crying and thinking to myself, my counselor/psychic friend is wrong, there is no way I’m going to make it there’s no way!!

 

            So as I lay down and fall asleep, I wake up the next day with a phone call and it’s my old boss from athletes foot on Miami beach asking me if I wanted to come back!!! Of course I accepted the offer and just like that I have a full time job again and inside myself I was thinking just last night you were bitching at God about not helping you or looking out for you and I apologized to him. My next session of counseling my counselor was telling me that my road was not going to get easier and I had to understand that God is always there for us, but there are lessons and things we need to learn to make and shape us into who we need to be or aspire to be but with that being said the strength is in us if we really aspire our dreams and ultimate goals. From there I began working at “the foot “as it was nicknamed and the funny thing as I wasn’t at the same store, but in “the hood” which was drastically different than what I was used to including the staff. So instead of taking one bus to work I was taking 2 which I hated, but I just kept my mind on my dream of music and always trying to figure out what and how I was going to record new music. Everyday I got home from work I would go get my liquor of choice and look up beats and just began writing and writing and loving the routine because I could relieve myself of emotion and just zone out to another world.

 

            It’s May 23^rd and I’m just feeling so great and looking forward to the future and what’s coming as I have been imprisoned by so much worry of what can come next or the next challenge and how hard it will be but as I have learned from all that I have been through so far is that I determine the outcome and that no matter what I am stronger than any mountain because I’m within Jesus Christ so I can ride anything that comes my way because I’m a “rider”. With that being said I think back to February and running on the treadmill at the YMCA and watching my motivational videos on YouTube from which are a huge influence in my life and have been since I lived in Miami and hit ground zero and had to change in my life and really focus. But as I was saying I was running and just thinking about the move back here to LA and how the first time I failed and had to move back home and was baker acted in the mental hospital. And I didn’t show my mom or anyone else how scared I was because for me this was like the ultimate test because I felt and still do that this is my last shot at being here and pursuing. As I got on mile 3 I watched whom of which is my favorite video makers his channel on Youtube is “Mateusz m” and I was watching the newest video he made called “hero” and this one was about a pro skater who failed repeatedly in competitions and in one specificly he broke his ankle but still kept competing and In one part they asked the skater “your seriously injured are you gonna take this next run?” and he responded “ I’m Taking every run” and as I’m typing this I can’t stop tearing up because it mirrors my life. The skater believed that he could prevail no matter how many injuries he had and the competitions previous to this one in the video he failed at landing the most important one and this time with the injury of a broken ankle he landed it and won the competition!!! I had to have watched that video 3 or 4 times as I ran because it had so much in it as all of his videos do about life and they're so real. This particular one had some Eric Thomas parts in it too about staying focused on one thing and not quitting until it’s done. I was thinking the entire run about what would come next because this whole move was at the time unknown and I had been through so much already in Miami from losing my car to not having money for food, but one thing that hit me was that I still believed in my dream and I still wrote songs and still planned campaigns in the mist of every issue In private I may have cried a lot but I made it through.

 

            Moreover,

            I feel like if I hadn’t been through all these different experiences I wouldn’t be who I am today and I know that sounds so cliché because it’s used so much and loosely. But I say to you that I mean it like I feel these situations made me see things and life so differently than I did before like different parts of myself I have discovered and more value has been put into perspective of what matters. Like before I got put into the mental hospital and was younger, I had no sense of value of life like I was living for the moment and for the next thrill and next party I wasn’t living for the future and I DIDN’T HAVE ANY GOALS! I had no sense of a “go get them” type of attitude at all. For years I just cared about getting all the freshest clothes which I still do but it’s not first on my list of priorities, But yeah I just wanted to party every weekend and I just talked about acting because at the time I noticed I liked the concept of film so I got acting coaching from a coach and went on castings and did book commercials but I was not “all In” at all I still was out every weekend and bragging that I was an actor and saying things to people like “ yeah I’m booked for this indie movie and I have this and that and really I didn’t have SHIT!! The movies I did get cast for didn’t come through because of funding so in essence I did not have SHIT!  I think about this part of my life sometimes and I chuckle to myself because I was a clown. I say this because this type of attitude led all the way until I moved to California the first time and I was in the American academy of dramatic arts at the age of 25 and I got In easily because anything on camera I do naturally, which I don’t abuse or take lightly anymore because it’s a gift and I’m grateful for it but back then I did it so naturally that it was second nature and I didn’t really care too much. Like think about it, I’m in an acting academy In LA and instead of being focused and listen out what needs to be done I’m partying every weekend hardcore!! And not looking for a job because my parents will have my back. And I’m having stints of depression which happens regularly, but I feel I could have handled them better if I had the structure. But sure enough, I’m out of LA in no time. Like I know everything happens for a reason, because I figured out who I really was in the hospital. Like I reflect a lot and I know I am a completely different person than before. Like any time I think about music or my projects or any goal I tear up because it’s all I want and can’t see myself doing anything else but being there for the world like I feel that “purpleandstars” and music chose me I didn’t choose it. Like when you're supposed to do something and it’s for the right reasons, there will be little glimmers of light to show you to keep going that’s why I always have the “light at the end of the tunnel” reference in my songs because at least for me in my life that’s how I take things. For example, when I wrote the song “MINE” and recorded it, I thought it was awesome and the beat was sick, but I had no idea and I’m sure Erix didn’t either that It would blow up on YouTube getting over a million views like it did. But when I saw how it was getting views it was my glimmer of light at that time because everything was a challenge but yet transforming including my life and different aspects of it. Because the will and love of music and the picture of me performing at award shows and standing for “good” was getting stronger everyday.

 

            Last but not least,

            On this day of the 27^th, of May I write to you after going over my finances and my dream and where I’m at with goals. Its the small things sometimes that keep hope alive, I’ve come to realize. I’ve been working hard on trying not to spread myself too thin on certain aspects of my music situation so I’ve been trying to figure out how things could pan out within the next month. I have been having the attitude lately though that everything is going to work out as it should and everything is great and it’s been coming naturally everyday. One person that added to that mood after a funny convo yesterday is my very close friend Barbie Jean aka “Bambi Miles” and I got permission to say her name, I would never just put a person out there. But Barbie and I met back in late 2012 and it was funny how it happened.  I remember walking past her store” I phone factory” in “The grand” in Miami it’s a small but efficient shop that sales anything and everything to do with the iPhone and it also repairs all apple products. So after working out at the gym upstairs (joelupos) I thought I should go into that shop and ask about my charger for my iPhone since it doesn’t work all the time. So I went in and there stood behind the counter an exceedingly cute petite tan woman in her twenties stylishly dressed with long hair. As I start to ask about my charger she just stares with an expression like “This better not be a dumb question”. After that day we just became friends because she always came out of nowhere with hilarious quotes and always pointed out the obvious and the truth. As time went on we became very close because there was just a natural chemistry in the way we viewed things and an aspect of her personality I wish I had because she doesn’t care about what anyone thinks and she says what she wants ALL THE TIME!! And did I mention she was hilarious? The perfect way to describe the friendship is like that kid you were best friends with at summer camp. As I met her, she came at a time where I needed another like minded person in my life that understood certain things. With that being said, God is always there for us and looking out for us even when we don’t think he is. We always have to realize that we should step back and look at our situation and be grateful for we what we do have because I have been reflecting on Miami and I had family there and they were there for me all the time from my best friend Erix to my counselor and aunt Rose and Barbie to My God sister Jackie to Paul and my friends at athletes foot. I was blessed. When we're truly grateful it brings good energy because whatever we were in at that time is temporary they always are especially painful. What helps me is that whatever pain I’m in its temporary it won’t be there for my entire life, but if I quit it will last a lifetime. PEACE and REMEMBER WERE IN THIS TOGETHER AND PURPLEANDSTARS IS FOREVER!!!!!!!! – “CODY TYLER THE MODERN DAY MARTYR”