The thing that I realized was, it’s not as valuable if you get what you want right away, because you don’t cherish it or appreciate it as much as you would if you had to fight to get it. I lost everything during those six months; even a relationship with my own mother, in a sense. The pain at that time was unbearable, and I had no idea how I was going to get out or what new challenges I had to face in Miami.
Its 11pm on March 31 in Miami, FL and I’m in my room with a candle and listening starpoints, “Object of desire”. Today was a challenge, because the previous night I had a falling out with a girl whom I won’t disclose, who is very manipulative. The whole month of March I was going on dinner dates with her, but in between these dinner dates there were traits of pure immaturity and no class, and I had stopped being friends with her twice. But, the sheer fear of being alone is what kept me going back. For instance, I would text her, and I would get no response for over 3 hours, and that’s me being nice. I can’t begin to explain all of the things she did that hurt me. But, last night we were supposed to go out, and she went to the Heats game with someone else, but called me to pick her up. For one, I did not know she was at the Heats game in the first place, she had sent me a text saying, “pick me up from the Heat stadium”, and I read it like, “Could you please pick me up from the Heat stadium”. She said, “I did not mean, not come get me”; that’s so rude of her, and these are things that occurred all the time; she played a lot of games, and I’m too old for that. On to other things of importance here in Miami, it hasn’t been easy; I see everything that I don’t ever want to be. Let me elaborate on this point, I don’t want to be shallow and let objects and money define me. I see that every day, and it’s sickening. Women who are only with guys for money, and out just for money! I see it every day and I tell myself, I hope I never become like anyone here. I’m no saint, I’m human, but it’s just really bad how we’ve become so shallow and bad hearted! It’s so bad, I don’t even want to look people in the eye, because it’s like I see through them from the feeling. That sounds outrageous, I know! Through all of these new discoveries I’m working hard on everything. I finally have the opportunity to attack my clothing line idea; with the help of a dear friend named Erik Nix, we are debuting it in May. The line got accepted into two of the hottest stores in North Miami! It’s called “Futuristic Retro”, and I’m so happy to have that in the works. You’d think through all of these different ventures I would be happy, but it’s the total opposite. Having Bipolar Disorder has to be the hardest disorder known to man! Every other night, I’m working and fighting all of the thoughts and feelings of sadness I have, which are overwhelming at times. I refuse to take my medicine because of the effects, so in turn I smoke marijuana and drink alcohol, which I know isn’t the best thing, but I do them within control. The other night was the hardest night I’ve had since being in the mental hospital, I lay in bed and cried myself to sleep. I say this with no embarrassment, because I’M STILL HERE! I am still talking to you, and planning my calendar to do mix tape projects, video releases, and campaigns. I will completely describe what happened that night; I laid in bed with my laptop next to me and my favorite purple throw on me. I was watching “Bless the child”, which is one of my favorite movies. I cried so hard through the movie, because I related to the character “Cody” (Ironic, how that’s my name). I say I relate to her, because she just wanted to help people and cared so much, and that’s me, just typing that made me tear up. I remember how in one scene she hugged a woman in a wheelchair who was sick with cancer, it was the most beautiful thing to see, and I could watch that scene over and over again. I would look up at the ceiling, and then look at my purpleandstars logo in the picture frame, and then back down, and cry more. I was scared, because it was like being in this deep dark place, and I knew that place was not where I wanted to be. The next thing I say isn’t good. I fought so hard and just kept saying, “There are people who need you, remember why you’re choosing this road”. It helped, and eventually I fell asleep without doing something tragic. March 31st 2012 and I sit with my Grey goose Le’orange and my pizza, as I listen to a friend’s mix tape and talk to you, my friends. It makes me feel good to say this, as there are 85,000 of you reading. Today was a hard day, I feel like I felt everyone else’s feelings. I know it sounds so insane, but I see people and, it’s not pretty, and it fucked with me, it’s really heavy. I would say to myself, “I can’t wait to go home and just immerse myself in my work”. I was holding back tears as I was overwhelmed with loneliness and just complete sadness, and then on top of seeing all of these materialistic people; it was just too much.
The thing that keeps me focused is the mission and the road I’ve chosen; the movie I have coming, and new music, books, etc. I will not quit, as I know I am chosen to be great; I know, if I can stay focused and guard my heart and energy, I will be ok. I love you all and I mean every single word. I say I love the world and I want to leave a legacy and movement that will be carried on forever, whether people think I’m crazy or not, I don’t CARE.
