Book cover
Sunday, June 15, 2014
The Logs chap 17-22
It’s May 22nd, 2014 and I am in none other than Starbucks
writing to you all out there! But I am not in Starbucks off of Biscayne Blvd or
Lincoln road in Miami… But yet in a Starbucks in California!! It has been 2
years since I have written not because I didn’t want too, but I just had to
slow down a little since I was trying to do so many things as one person from
trying to learn more about music, too trying to get a short film together to
even try and get a clothing line
started. Only one thing I learned is you can’t become better at something or
actually knock down doors until you focus on one aspect and hone your skills
and management. So with that being said I stopped and concentrated on my music
career. Talking of music just the thought or even the pronunciation of the word
brings such joy and emotion and memories. I don’t cognize where to even start
telling you what I have conquered and been through in pursuit of my goals and
dreams so I’m just going to pick a thought and just work with it. I know where
I left off was gearing up to travel to New York for a show at Webster Hall
where I was moving to do so let’s rewind back to 2012. So my best friend Erix
and I went there and just being in the Bronx was awesome because there was so
much culture and bravado there you could scarcely feel it in the breeze. Fast
forward to the day of the show my boy Erix is calling people in the cool NY
swag I can hear him “ Yoyoyea yea tell everybody on the block to come if they
want I just gotta check and see if we got enough tickets though” meanwhile his
cousin is trying to avoid having his girl go so he’s on his phone like “I dunno
if we goan have enough tickets though so yea you might have to just chill and
we pick you up after” and just seeing this going on was so cool I felt like I
was in the movie “paid in full” because of how they were on their phones and it
was so much New York swag going on lol good times. So we are on the way to
Webster Hall so I can perform so were all getting hyped meanwhile this will be
my first time performing ever!!! I am deathly nervous because for one I don’t
have any of my own music like original music and two my first time performing
is in New York in front of a packed crowd!! So we pull up and it’s a huge mob
trying to get in and tons of acts and everyone has snapbacks on Jordan’s and
Lebron’s and Ewing sneakers as well. Some with chains on and everyone is a
super hip hop and I’m walking up with leopard print Christian louboutin loafers
and an all black suit with a low cut black fitted tee under the blazer. So we
all get together all the people Erix invited and were inside and the show has
50 cent’s host from “thisis50.com”as the host. And he comes up and speaks and
gets everyone excited and the show starts and with every inkling of a second I
am getting more and more terrified because I am seeing everyone performing
their music and while some are not so good there are some who are and you can
hear how seasoned they are as rappers not so much as artists because I
personally don’t quite see all rappers as artists. But nonetheless they are
seasoned as performers and they know exactly who they are. While I hadn’t been
doing this that long yet to quite know myself fully. So within no time the host
calls me up and my heart drops and everyone are looking like who is this with
the name Cody Tyler?! They didn’t ask it, but as I’m making my way to the stage
I can see the expressions on their faces, especially the black people, as I
glance back as I walk up the steps I see three black dudes faces and I remember
it like it was yesterday they looked with faces like “yeah right” or please he
doesn’t rap. But before I could even begin to gather myself the DJ says “wait,
wait we gotta problem, the CD doesn’t play and I don’t have an email with the
track so I can’t get it from my Mac book” So he has all this expensive
equipment but yet he can’t get it to work. So the host says “Cody will be back,
but right now he has technical difficulties”. So others perform and I am just
so distraught and nervous, but then I hear the DJ “Cody comes back we ready for
you!” So I go back and my boy Erix gives me “dap” and says “you got this Nigga
go kill it”. I go up and I look at the huge crowd which was my first mistake
and I got so much fear over my body I was frozen!!! I hear one person in the
crowd yell out “whachugoan spit bout?!” in a sarcastic voice and then another
yells “I see them louboutons!” So the beat starts and I started rapping, but
closed my eyes so I didn’t have to look at anyone and as I go through the 1stverse
I slur words a little, but as I get through I started feeling it and then on
the second verse I spit very hard and one area of the crowd was yelling and
clapping as well as cheering. But yet I never opened my eyes or moved at
ALL!!!! I knew I bombed and did not do a good job for one I didn’t have my own
music and two I closed my eyes and showed that I was scared. As I walk down I’m
discouraged and just the feeling of knowing I didn’t do well killed me and I was
still shaking as I was watching the other performances. But one person dressed
in all “Chicago bulls” gear and Jordan’s with a thick gold rope walks up and
says “yo you got good lyrics bra don’t stay down” and that made me feel a
little bit better. Just the fact that he came and said that on his own accord,
let me know that you could see I was sad though which is not good. As we leave
Erix and his brother are both giving me talks, telling me not to quit and
telling me about “J. cole” and how his first live performance, he stuttered and
wasn’t good either and Erix proceeds to tell me “ Nigga you just performed and
bombed in NY in front of a packed crowd so you can’t do no worse your going to
get better!”
Fast
forward,
Some months
and I’ve been at juicy couture and my hours are cut short due to low volume in
the store and I am not getting any responses from producers wanting to work
with me after seeing me in the “all of the lights” cover I sent them. The only
response I’m getting is “go to a Soundclick”. So the days and days are dragging
by I don’t have a lot of money and am barely able to pay rent and I’m blessed
in the fact that my best friend Erix is my roommate. With each day that goes by
I get more discouraged as I don’t have money for gas and even food and I’m
thinking to myself “I can’t make it how crazy am I to think I can be a musician
after what has happened?!” As every night approaches I watch either one of my
favorite movies or shows “Bless the child” which is about a little kid whom of
which is autistic but has abilities of telekinesis and is chosen to help the
world by leading them to God but she goes through a lot because the Devil
doesn’t want her to succeed. I would watch that or my favorite tv show called
“Angel” which is a spinoff of the old TV series “Buffy the vampire slayer” it
consists of an evil vampire turned good by receiving a soul from gypsies. So by
receiving a soul he feels remorse for the weak and he wants to redeem himself by
doing good for the world but battles demons and evil in the process. Every
night for months I watched these and they gave me solace because for some
reason I felt such a connection with the stories and the main characters. What
I’m about to tell you is not for the weak and I don’t want you to feel sorry
for me, but just believe in your own dreams and desires. I will never forget
this night because I had not eaten and I didn’t want to ask my parents for any
more help because for one I hated it and two I felt like this is my life and
dream and I have to decide if I’m going continue on it or quit. So this
particular night I had not eaten and I’m in my room with all the lights off and
I’m talking to God asking him why do I have to go through these things and I’m
not trying to hurt anyone nor do I want to succeed for selfish ambitions but to
just help others. I’m in tears telling him I have already been through what I
consider hell being in a mental hospital, going through being made fun of in
high school to having to move back from California in 2010. And I’m just crying
and crying and thinking to myself, my counselor/psychic friend is wrong, there
is no way I’m going to make it there’s no way!!
So as I lay
down and fall asleep, I wake up the next day with a phone call and it’s my old
boss from athletes foot on Miami beach asking me if I wanted to come back!!! Of
course I accepted the offer and just like that I have a full time job again and
inside myself I was thinking just last night you were bitching at God about not
helping you or looking out for you and I apologized to him. My next session of
counseling my counselor was telling me that my road was not going to get easier
and I had to understand that God is always there for us, but there are lessons
and things we need to learn to make and shape us into who we need to be or
aspire to be but with that being said the strength is in us if we really aspire
our dreams and ultimate goals. From there I began working at “the foot “as it
was nicknamed and the funny thing as I wasn’t at the same store, but in “the
hood” which was drastically different than what I was used to including the
staff. So instead of taking one bus to work I was taking 2 which I hated, but I
just kept my mind on my dream of music and always trying to figure out what and
how I was going to record new music. Everyday I got home from work I would go
get my liquor of choice and look up beats and just began writing and writing
and loving the routine because I could relieve myself of emotion and just zone
out to another world.
It’s May 23rd
and I’m just feeling so great and looking forward to the future and what’s
coming as I have been imprisoned by so much worry of what can come next or the
next challenge and how hard it will be but as I have learned from all that I
have been through so far is that I determine the outcome and that no matter
what I am stronger than any mountain because I’m within Jesus Christ so I can
ride anything that comes my way because I’m a “rider”. With that being said I
think back to February and running on the treadmill at the YMCA and watching my
motivational videos on YouTube from which are a huge influence in my life and
have been since I lived in Miami and hit ground zero and had to change in my
life and really focus. But as I was saying I was running and just thinking
about the move back here to LA and how the first time I failed and had to move
back home and was baker acted in the mental hospital. And I didn’t show my mom
or anyone else how scared I was because for me this was like the ultimate test
because I felt and still do that this is my last shot at being here and
pursuing. As I got on mile 3 I watched whom of which is my favorite video
makers his channel on Youtube is “Mateusz m” and I was watching the newest
video he made called “hero” and this one was about a pro skater who failed
repeatedly in competitions and in one specificly he broke his ankle but still
kept competing and In one part they asked the skater “your seriously injured
are you gonna take this next run?” and he responded “ I’m Taking every run” and
as I’m typing this I can’t stop tearing up because it mirrors my life. The
skater believed that he could prevail no matter how many injuries he had and
the competitions previous to this one in the video he failed at landing the
most important one and this time with the injury of a broken ankle he landed it
and won the competition!!! I had to have watched that video 3 or 4 times as I
ran because it had so much in it as all of his videos do about life and they're
so real. This particular one had some Eric Thomas parts in it too about staying
focused on one thing and not quitting until it’s done. I was thinking the
entire run about what would come next because this whole move was at the time
unknown and I had been through so much already in Miami from losing my car to
not having money for food, but one thing that hit me was that I still believed
in my dream and I still wrote songs and still planned campaigns in the mist of
every issue In private I may have cried a lot but I made it through.
Moreover,
I feel like
if I hadn’t been through all these different experiences I wouldn’t be who I am
today and I know that sounds so cliché because it’s used so much and loosely.
But I say to you that I mean it like I feel these situations made me see things
and life so differently than I did before like different parts of myself I have
discovered and more value has been put into perspective of what matters. Like
before I got put into the mental hospital and was younger, I had no sense of
value of life like I was living for the moment and for the next thrill and next
party I wasn’t living for the future and I DIDN’T HAVE ANY GOALS! I had no
sense of a “go get them” type of attitude at all. For years I just cared about
getting all the freshest clothes which I still do but it’s not first on my list
of priorities, But yeah I just wanted to party every weekend and I just talked
about acting because at the time I noticed I liked the concept of film so I got
acting coaching from a coach and went on castings and did book commercials but
I was not “all In” at all I still was out every weekend and bragging that I was
an actor and saying things to people like “ yeah I’m booked for this indie
movie and I have this and that and really I didn’t have SHIT!! The movies I did
get cast for didn’t come through because of funding so in essence I did not
have SHIT! I think about this part of my
life sometimes and I chuckle to myself because I was a clown. I say this
because this type of attitude led all the way until I moved to California the
first time and I was in the American academy of dramatic arts at the age of 25
and I got In easily because anything on camera I do naturally, which I don’t
abuse or take lightly anymore because it’s a gift and I’m grateful for it but
back then I did it so naturally that it was second nature and I didn’t really
care too much. Like think about it, I’m in an acting academy In LA and instead
of being focused and listen out what needs to be done I’m partying every weekend
hardcore!! And not looking for a job because my parents will have my back. And
I’m having stints of depression which happens regularly, but I feel I could
have handled them better if I had the structure. But sure enough, I’m out of LA
in no time. Like I know everything happens for a reason, because I figured out
who I really was in the hospital. Like I reflect a lot and I know I am a
completely different person than before. Like any time I think about music or
my projects or any goal I tear up because it’s all I want and can’t see myself
doing anything else but being there for the world like I feel that
“purpleandstars” and music chose me I didn’t choose it. Like when you're
supposed to do something and it’s for the right reasons, there will be little
glimmers of light to show you to keep going that’s why I always have the “light
at the end of the tunnel” reference in my songs because at least for me in my
life that’s how I take things. For example, when I wrote the song “MINE” and
recorded it, I thought it was awesome and the beat was sick, but I had no idea
and I’m sure Erix didn’t either that It would blow up on YouTube getting over a
million views like it did. But when I saw how it was getting views it was my glimmer
of light at that time because everything was a challenge but yet transforming
including my life and different aspects of it. Because the will and love of
music and the picture of me performing at award shows and standing for “good”
was getting stronger everyday.
Last but not
least,
On this day
of the 27th, of May I write to you after going over my finances and
my dream and where I’m at with goals. Its the small things sometimes that keep
hope alive, I’ve come to realize. I’ve been working hard on trying not to
spread myself too thin on certain aspects of my music situation so I’ve been
trying to figure out how things could pan out within the next month. I have
been having the attitude lately though that everything is going to work out as
it should and everything is great and it’s been coming naturally everyday. One
person that added to that mood after a funny convo yesterday is my very close
friend Barbie Jean aka “Bambi Miles” and I got permission to say her name, I
would never just put a person out there. But Barbie and I met back in late 2012
and it was funny how it happened. I
remember walking past her store” I phone factory” in “The grand” in Miami it’s
a small but efficient shop that sales anything and everything to do with the iPhone
and it also repairs all apple products. So after working out at the gym
upstairs (joelupos) I thought I should go into that shop and ask about my
charger for my iPhone since it doesn’t work all the time. So I went in and
there stood behind the counter an exceedingly cute petite tan woman in her twenties
stylishly dressed with long hair. As I start to ask about my charger she just
stares with an expression like “This better not be a dumb question”. After that
day we just became friends because she always came out of nowhere with
hilarious quotes and always pointed out the obvious and the truth. As time went
on we became very close because there was just a natural chemistry in the way
we viewed things and an aspect of her personality I wish I had because she
doesn’t care about what anyone thinks and she says what she wants ALL THE
TIME!! And did I mention she was hilarious? The perfect way to describe the
friendship is like that kid you were best friends with at summer camp. As I met
her, she came at a time where I needed another like minded person in my life
that understood certain things. With that being said, God is always there for
us and looking out for us even when we don’t think he is. We always have to
realize that we should step back and look at our situation and be grateful for
we what we do have because I have been reflecting on Miami and I had family
there and they were there for me all the time from my best friend Erix to my
counselor and aunt Rose and Barbie to My God sister Jackie to Paul and my
friends at athletes foot. I was blessed. When we're truly grateful it brings
good energy because whatever we were in at that time is temporary they always
are especially painful. What helps me is that whatever pain I’m in its
temporary it won’t be there for my entire life, but if I quit it will last a
lifetime. PEACE and REMEMBER WERE IN THIS TOGETHER AND PURPLEANDSTARS IS
FOREVER!!!!!!!! – “CODY TYLER THE MODERN DAY MARTYR”
Friday, May 23, 2014
Monday, August 20, 2012
The logs chap 11-16
Furthermore, there is so much to tell you guys and I actually had to use a pad this time to write down everything because there are such huge gaps between each installment and I have to get better at that. Well first off I’ve been living with a couple for the past 5 months and in the beginning it was pretty cool they seemed very nice and welcoming. In actuality the guy came off as a complete douchebag and I have no remorse in saying that. I didn’t let it bother me because all I was thinking about was my goals I have and recording my next project so I said “ screw it”. I kept to myself and barely was ever home anyway, and when I was I wrote or recorded and just planned. Let me jump off and say that my next project “Heart on paper chronicles 2” is a classic. Ok now back to the subject at hand; within those five months the couple had several fights and the guy beat his girlfriend so bad! What sucked is that there was nothing I could do because I couldn’t see bruises on her face, but every time they argued in there room I could hear thumps, gagging, and blood curdling screams! And when they would see me, the girl would just stare at me or laugh nervously as if she wanted to say something or make light of it. I was so disturbed by this I didn’t know what to do and it sat on my heart like weights to a chest. The sad part is that’s not even the tip of the iceberg, there’s a climax to this situation! About five days ago I was woken up by the loudest thumps and screams it was unreal, and let me just say it sucked because it was the first night I actually fell asleep at a decent time and on the way to 5 or 6 hours of sleep. It was about 3:30 am and the fighting was so loud and I hear the girl saying “I hate you leave me alone!” Following that is “You ruined my life!” and just screams and thumps followed by bangs. So I go out of my room and see her run to another room and the guy follows aggressively and I peek in the room and see him hovered over her and yelling and every time he does she screams as she’s in the fetal position! I go back in my room and fall asleep for ten minutes and its even louder and she’s gagging this time and crying and I yell “what the fuck?!” and he storms out “were fighting if you don’t like it leave tomorrow!!” My first reaction was to knock him out for talking to me this way but then I said to myself “It’s not worth going to jail with all that you have at stake, and then bro he will call the cops and blame the whole incident on you, and the cops will take you because you’re the nigro!!” So I left it alone and talked to God for the next couple of days to find a solution to this issue. Within those days God answered as my best friend said it was ok for me to crash till New York is over(now im the roomate permanently), as I have my big show In New York city on the 30th of the month. He knew that this show is so big for us and just wanted things to be cool so I could get my mind right and not put too much stress on myself. God is a great God I have to say because he has been looking out for me. I was feeling like some of my plans leading up too New York was fizzling out. As there was a really nice realtor I met at Starbucks who executive produced a Tupac Shakur greatest hits album. He listened to my first project and wanted to help anyway he could. So he had planned to buy myself and Erix’s tickets for support. Three- weeks later He comes back and tells me he can’t do it because of his business going through legal issues and can’t really shell out anything because of the complications. From his facial expression I could tell he was telling the truth and he felt extremely bad.
As I had come to terms with this it got even harder because I’m like man with rent and cell phone and not having any songwriting opportunities and along with having a job I hate I’m like “all hell” things have gotten a million times more serious! But through all of this chaos and pressure God never faulted. I went into a woman’s office at the Grand building where My God-sisters gym is and wanted a reading as I felt that these dark forces were really pushing hard and I was losing strength and tons of sleep fighting them. She told me that God was calling me and wanted me to come back to him. As she said this I knew it was real because I was not really letting him lead the way in my life like I should. I was holding a grudge against him for years because of all I have been through in my life especially last year. She mentioned the spiritual battles I have fought and am continuing to fight and how there is a humongous calling on my life and how these forces don’t want me to live. As she was telling me this I’m like man this woman (whom I will continue to keep secret) is very gifted as I had not told her one single word about my life I just came in and said I wanted some help and she just went in with my life!!! She said she wanted to be my advisor and that I didn’t have to pay she just wanted to be involved because I really needed help. So I had started doing counseling sessions and getting scriptures to read and it’s funny because I grew up in church as my grandfather and dad are pastors and this activity with my advisor seemed ten times more real and genuine than one day in my families churches!!! My mother who also has her doctorate in Theology told me for years that most organized religion was rehearsed behavior which is very true.
On this day of July 23rd 2012 which is a Monday, Its 4 days until I leave for New York to perform in front of the quote un-quote big wigs in the music industry and I’m excited man because I truly believe in my Heavenly father and in this vision of "PurpleandStars" he has given me. I just think back to this time last year and I was nowhere as strong as I am now mentally and spiritually. I was baker-acted into the mental hospital for attempted suicide and not taking my medication, diagnosed again (confirmation) with Bi-polar disorder and no money. I had given up on my dream of entertainment and was in there drugged up every day on meds barely able to function. I would sit in there and wonder “where do I go from here?” I mean I looked at everything as it was over, because the year before that I was jumped and beaten to a pulp outside of a bar all for nothing!! I couldn’t see any light but through all of that Jesus Christ was right there beside me, giving me grace and embedding a vision again and really putting "Purpleandstars" in my heart and with this I will not quit as I stand for helping people and kids as I chase his dream and Mine and I end this as “Never quit” and I truly love you and God as well.
Cody Tyler signing off
Friday, April 20, 2012
The Logs Chap 6-10
The thing that I realized was, it’s not as valuable if you get what you want right away, because you don’t cherish it or appreciate it as much as you would if you had to fight to get it. I lost everything during those six months; even a relationship with my own mother, in a sense. The pain at that time was unbearable, and I had no idea how I was going to get out or what new challenges I had to face in Miami.
Its 11pm on March 31 in Miami, FL and I’m in my room with a candle and listening starpoints, “Object of desire”. Today was a challenge, because the previous night I had a falling out with a girl whom I won’t disclose, who is very manipulative. The whole month of March I was going on dinner dates with her, but in between these dinner dates there were traits of pure immaturity and no class, and I had stopped being friends with her twice. But, the sheer fear of being alone is what kept me going back. For instance, I would text her, and I would get no response for over 3 hours, and that’s me being nice. I can’t begin to explain all of the things she did that hurt me. But, last night we were supposed to go out, and she went to the Heats game with someone else, but called me to pick her up. For one, I did not know she was at the Heats game in the first place, she had sent me a text saying, “pick me up from the Heat stadium”, and I read it like, “Could you please pick me up from the Heat stadium”. She said, “I did not mean, not come get me”; that’s so rude of her, and these are things that occurred all the time; she played a lot of games, and I’m too old for that. On to other things of importance here in Miami, it hasn’t been easy; I see everything that I don’t ever want to be. Let me elaborate on this point, I don’t want to be shallow and let objects and money define me. I see that every day, and it’s sickening. Women who are only with guys for money, and out just for money! I see it every day and I tell myself, I hope I never become like anyone here. I’m no saint, I’m human, but it’s just really bad how we’ve become so shallow and bad hearted! It’s so bad, I don’t even want to look people in the eye, because it’s like I see through them from the feeling. That sounds outrageous, I know! Through all of these new discoveries I’m working hard on everything. I finally have the opportunity to attack my clothing line idea; with the help of a dear friend named Erik Nix, we are debuting it in May. The line got accepted into two of the hottest stores in North Miami! It’s called “Futuristic Retro”, and I’m so happy to have that in the works. You’d think through all of these different ventures I would be happy, but it’s the total opposite. Having Bipolar Disorder has to be the hardest disorder known to man! Every other night, I’m working and fighting all of the thoughts and feelings of sadness I have, which are overwhelming at times. I refuse to take my medicine because of the effects, so in turn I smoke marijuana and drink alcohol, which I know isn’t the best thing, but I do them within control. The other night was the hardest night I’ve had since being in the mental hospital, I lay in bed and cried myself to sleep. I say this with no embarrassment, because I’M STILL HERE! I am still talking to you, and planning my calendar to do mix tape projects, video releases, and campaigns. I will completely describe what happened that night; I laid in bed with my laptop next to me and my favorite purple throw on me. I was watching “Bless the child”, which is one of my favorite movies. I cried so hard through the movie, because I related to the character “Cody” (Ironic, how that’s my name). I say I relate to her, because she just wanted to help people and cared so much, and that’s me, just typing that made me tear up. I remember how in one scene she hugged a woman in a wheelchair who was sick with cancer, it was the most beautiful thing to see, and I could watch that scene over and over again. I would look up at the ceiling, and then look at my purpleandstars logo in the picture frame, and then back down, and cry more. I was scared, because it was like being in this deep dark place, and I knew that place was not where I wanted to be. The next thing I say isn’t good. I fought so hard and just kept saying, “There are people who need you, remember why you’re choosing this road”. It helped, and eventually I fell asleep without doing something tragic. March 31st 2012 and I sit with my Grey goose Le’orange and my pizza, as I listen to a friend’s mix tape and talk to you, my friends. It makes me feel good to say this, as there are 85,000 of you reading. Today was a hard day, I feel like I felt everyone else’s feelings. I know it sounds so insane, but I see people and, it’s not pretty, and it fucked with me, it’s really heavy. I would say to myself, “I can’t wait to go home and just immerse myself in my work”. I was holding back tears as I was overwhelmed with loneliness and just complete sadness, and then on top of seeing all of these materialistic people; it was just too much.
The thing that keeps me focused is the mission and the road I’ve chosen; the movie I have coming, and new music, books, etc. I will not quit, as I know I am chosen to be great; I know, if I can stay focused and guard my heart and energy, I will be ok. I love you all and I mean every single word. I say I love the world and I want to leave a legacy and movement that will be carried on forever, whether people think I’m crazy or not, I don’t CARE.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
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